Poor little kitsch boy....

toby_ray @ 2009-07-07T23:48:00

2009-07-07T22:52:20Z

I am wearing women's deodorant by accident.
I smell like a nanna covered in talcum powder.
No amount of Issey Miyake for Men can hide my lady-smell.
Gender Bending ain't all it's cracked up to be.

toby_ray @ 2009-06-30T23:33:00

2009-06-30T22:43:44Z

Sometimes living in my flat is like living in East London's own version of Rear Window. From my spot at the kitchen sink I can see into about 20 flats. Over the last 7 years I have seen people wander around naked, seen them fight, seen them dance at parties, wank to porn, and even seen dodgy Eastern European girls giving lap dances to topless muscle men....it all goes on around me. Over the last few weeks I have started staring into frosted bathroom windows and watching fuzzy figures of men pee'ing. I play a game called 'will he, or won't he wash his hands?' while I wash my filthy dishes. It may be the heat of the summer, but I` am finding myself becoming more and more hot under the collar by this game!

toby_ray @ 2009-06-20T19:20:00

2009-06-20T18:29:39Z

You know how I am obsessed with the people in my building? Well today I found out that we had some famous residents in the past (because it became a slum)......

I'm so excited that the Beverly sisters lived here.....

toby_ray @ 2009-06-18T21:35:00

2009-06-18T20:39:32Z

I bought my Nephew a bath book. Well, actually I bought my nephew the best bath book in the whole frigging world. It's one that was named after me (I used to work for the Publisher).

The Tag line says 'squeeze Toby and watch him squirt water into the bath!'

Who knew my colleagues knew me so well.

toby_ray @ 2009-06-04T23:56:00

2009-06-04T23:07:04Z

Walking the 60 seconds journey from the bus stop to home tonight, I walked behind an old man in his 70's wearing a pin-striped suit, with the trousers tucked into some huge-heeled, black, blue, AND red cowboy boots. A black teenaged boy walked past us shouting and smiling 'Im loving those boots man, I'm loving those boots!'. I got to my building and on the first staircase I was passed by an Eastern European man in his early 20's shouting abuse at a girl on the landingl. He was bare-chested, bare-footed, wearing only grey jogging trousers, showing a rather fetching six-pack, with his face smeared with blood.

I fucking love my life.

toby_ray @ 2009-05-19T22:36:00

2009-05-19T21:37:24Z

I'm ashamed to say I giggled at 2:22

Twit Tawoo!

2009-05-14T21:26:41Z

I made a really cute soft toy owl and sent it to a friend's 3 year old daughter. I wrote a letter from the owl (who I named Otto) to go with it. I should say that my friend is the art director of a hugely successful children's publishing house (and so I was a bit nervous of what she would think from my crappy sewing). I just got this email from her:

We came home yesterday to a parcel on the doormat. E was very grumpy after being asleep in the car. It completely cheered her up and she was delighted with the contents. As I read her the letter, she was spellbound - I wish you could have seen her. She then spent the rest of the evening introducing Otto to a small soft pig called Sunshine which we bought that day and a tiny rabbit who have become her pals. We made them a carry cot out of a paper bag and they have now moved into a cardboard house (which we got from Muji).

So you see Otto is being very well cared for and I am hoping he will be elevated to his special branch which we will erect in her room.... (I did also hear Eva say that Otto had threatened to kill her wobbly tortoise. I told her to talk to him about being nice to his friends and that killing wasn't nice. She said she was very cross with him!)

I think I may have found my calling.

I forgot to photograph Otto, but here is the first attempt I made of him (Otto is smaller and has buttons for eyes).

toby_ray @ 2009-05-10T22:14:00

2009-05-10T21:18:24Z

Don't bother playing with the sound down (as it looks weird......with the sound up, it all makes sense and couldn't possibly be seen as weird).

toby_ray @ 2009-05-04T18:41:00

2009-05-04T19:33:33Z

I spent some time in Brighton and Hove this weekend. I drove down with my neighbours greyhound that I'd been looking after for a few days. I kept telling him off for farting in the car until I realised that it was the smell of the countryside rather than dog fart. We walked around Hove and visited loads of the buildings taking place in the Artists Open Houses festival. I like the fact that sometimes people open their flats up, and you walk round looking at the art in their hallways and bathrooms. Didn't buy anything as the only stuff I really liked was far too expensive for me due to this craquement de crédit. The highlight of the weekend was feasting on poached eggs, toast, cossiants and coffee in a beach hut, with a blanket over our knees and the dog sat at our feet. I feel like I been truly celebrating my inner old lady.

A day of disasters

2009-04-20T21:44:24Z

20th April 1889 - Adolf Hitler born
20th April 1912 - Bram Stoker dies
20th April 1968 - Enoch Powell gives his 'Rivers of Blood' speech.
20th April 1999 - Columbine High School shooting, 13 killed, 23 wounded.
20th April 2009 - Toby Ray oversleeps and is nearly an hour late for work.

toby_ray @ 2009-04-20T21:43:00

2009-04-20T20:48:12Z

There was aother crazy person hanging around my building tonight. He was a middle aged black guy with a scarf wrapped around his head and a grey curly wig pearched on the top of it. We said hello. Obviously it would have been rude to ask him for a photo, so instead I give you

toby_ray @ 2009-04-12T16:43:00

2009-04-12T15:45:56Z

I had a friend staying with me earlier this week, and I have been eager to put the spare bedding away, but whenever I go near it this happens, and I don't feel I have right to wake him up.

toby_ray @ 2009-04-12T08:35:00

2009-04-12T07:56:11Z

I bought a little sewing machine recently. I love the idea of sewing, but I haven't really done any for twenty years (I made some felt hats in 1989, which I thought were wonderful). Anyway, I decided to make a present for the little one. Here is my practice attempt:

He's not bad is he? He is made out of an old T-shirt, his eyes are from John Lewis, and his button collar is from a lovely Indian fabric shop in Walthamstow. He is stuffed with the innards from a vile looking cushion I bought for 50p in the Sally-Ann shop.

My second attempt is a little better:

A friend of mine had told me how nice felt was to sew with, and she is right. It's lovely and easy to cut because it doesn't fray, so I didn’t' bother with pinning his body before sewing.

I like his arse a lot.

This isn't my first attempt at sewing dolls. In 1980 (when I was 7 years old) we had to bring an old sock into school to make it into a doll. I chose to make a doll of Kevin Keagan. I had no interest in football, I just really liked his sheepskin coat. I think you'll agree I did a lovely job getting his bubble perm right.

Carney

2009-03-15T14:08:01Z

So, Family rumour has it that one of our ancestors was Britain's first woman Lion Tamer. I am not 100% sure how true this is as it does ring of the kind of lie that I would have made up. Anyway, a wee bit of googling and I found this picture. It could be her. She has my legs.

Then I got to think about what would have happened if my family had stayed with the circus. Maybe I could have been a man of big cats like this handsome fella. Who knew that Bob Downe worked with Animals?

And then I realised it's a piece of piss, any bugger can do it. Roll up, roll up, see the evidence right before your eyes.....

If you go down to the woods today.....

2009-03-07T18:16:23Z

We took my neighbors dog out for a long walk over the marshes this morning. In a small clearing there was a couple that had strung up what looked like a tightrope between two trees, and were walking along it. We stopped and watched for a while, and then they asked us if we wanted to try. It was great. It called Slackline, and is a cord that is about 3 or 4 inches wide. I tried, and managed to walk for a little while, but needed their help in balancing a lot. I am now wondering whether I should ditch the hula-hoop and take up slacklining. I think I may need to be able to do this:

toby_ray @ 2009-03-06T20:48:00

2009-03-06T20:54:51Z

A friend has asked me if I would like to be a 'significant adult' to her daughter at her naming ceremony. I am delighted. We spoke about how 'significant adult' was a dreadful phrase. She told me that some people call it 'Special adult', but I don't think I could say that without my tongue pushing itself behind my bottom lip and my eyes crossing and general limp wrested arm waving offensiveness. We've settled on 'The Odd Father'. I like it very much.

SWEET!

2009-02-28T11:55:59Z

For someone who is mildly dull, I have some really rather extraordinary friends. One such friend Is Miss Hope, of Hope and Greenwood (purveyors of splendid confectionary). We worked together years ago, and she took me under her wing, and we spent many happy hours exchanging dirty stories and gossiping in the office kitchen. It was a joy! I often think fondly of her trade mark red lippy and heaving bosoms. Nowadays she has an amazing emporium of sweeties, a glamorous life, but still has love in her heart for me.

Flynnie-Boy getting in on the action

This is when I squeeled like a little piggy

Dizzy on the thought of weeks of sugary highs

Best of British

I've been a good boy

Jelly babies - the treats of the gods

A lovely note from a most splendid friend

toby_ray @ 2009-01-07T22:07:00

2009-01-07T22:09:55Z

I just had a conversation with one of my less intelligent neighbors. At one point she said 'It's like that saying - you don't spend £100 in Tesco on food, and then leave £15 on the till'.

Any idea what the fluff she was on about?

toby_ray @ 2008-11-23T15:53:00

2008-11-23T15:59:43Z

Diwali

2008-10-29T22:08:17Z

I love this time of year. I love that the Hindu family on the ground floor all jump out of the window and set off fireworks on the patch of dirt that we jokingly refer to as 'the lawn'. I love that the kids are allowed to set light to the fireworks, I love that the second the fireworks go out they run back and pick them up and throw them across 'the lawn'. They don't keep all the fireworks safely contained in an empty Foxes Biscuit tin like my Dad did. There ins't a15 minute break between fireworks 'just in case'. There was no warning to the kids 'don't pick up the sparkler after it's gone out'!

I spent a happy hour leaning out my window watching them. I chickened out of shouting down 'Happy Diwali!' to them but tomorrow I will.

toby_ray @ 2008-10-26T16:59:00

2008-10-26T17:32:40Z

So I've had my fold up Dahon for a while now, and I don't use it very often. I did use it yesterday as some bastard had blocked my car in and I had no food, so I had to cycle in the dark to the supermarket to quench my craving for roast beef. I came back with lamb but we'll skirt over that.

Anyway here is said bike....macho it is not.

Today was the perfect excuse to unfold it again as I am dog-sitting a rather dishy greyhound. So off we set up the park. We took went over the marshes, and wherever possible, I went as fast as my 6 speeder could take me, and pretended like I was a rabbit, and he chased me and generally zoomed past me. Here is his action shot.

I think I may have overdone it a bit as when we got back to the park (after a good 45 minutes over the marshes) he was exhausted and stood like this catching his breath for a little while.

back at home, he got straight on his bed, and curled up for a sleep. However, I wouldn't let him as I still had a camera on me, and I wanted a last photo.

The poor cat has been scared shitless all day....opps!

toby_ray @ 2008-10-22T21:49:00

2008-10-22T20:52:40Z

The bad thing about allowing the cat to walk across my desk while I work, is that he just stood his big litter-scraping leg into my rather expensive glass of Chablis.

Ignorance is bliss

2008-10-16T23:07:54Z

I had my haircut today by the barber downstairs to my office I got the old barber (moved to London in 1956), and he started cutting my hair and then stopped, and said hang on. He combed it with the parting on the other side, and then said 'ahhhh'. He explained that having the parting as it is, is going against the natural flow of my hair, and if I didn't change the side of my parting I would lose 'EVEN MORE HAIR!' I had no idea I was going bald! Ikinda ignored the fact that the crown was a bit thinner on the than the rest of it, but I put this down to the harsh lights in the bathroom. I was horrified! He cut loads of my hair off and I am left with an OK(ish) cut, but not one that I would have chosen! He reckons the crown will be thick and fine in 3-6 months. Not sure I believe him, but hey ho. Talk about give someone something to panic/worry/fret about that I didn't even know was a problem! Haha!

My First Hula Hoop injury.....

2008-10-14T21:10:06Z

....a split lip...Opps!

Is it wrong?

2008-10-08T21:57:55Z

Is it wrong to search on facebook for your little cousin that lives down the road, but you never see, but who you have also suspected to be a big gayer? I think I found him, right name, right age, but who knows, I've not seen him in years. There are photos of him in what looks like a gay bar, but who knows nowadays all the straights dress like the gays, innit. Is it wrong to find the photo of him in his underpants a little too attractive?

It is wrong for a man aged 35 to spent most night practicing a new hula hoop move? I call it the knee knocker. It actually hurts my legs but I like it. The music is ironic. Please ignore the sweaty face.